Dear Brother Paul

We recently received your application for participation in our ministry.

It has been our on-going policy to be open-minded, but also frank with all of our applicants.  We hope you will not consider the following appraisal to be too sharp, but we must be honest above all.

Regarding your physical condition: we understand that 20 years of service is to be commended, but certainly you must now be thinking of retirement.  The severe eye difficulty you report would seem to be an insuperable handicap.  The other physical ailments you have received from the reported abuses of those who have opposed you would demand an entire physical examination.  We wish to send only the best to the field in these trying times.  Your nickname "the aged" is not becoming one who would replicate the youthful zest of our Lord!

We understand from other reports that you have been in conflict with our beloved Simon Peter.  It is said from reliable sources that you actually rebuked him openly!  They say you stirred up so much trouble in Antioch that a special board meeting had to be convened in Jerusalem!  You have opposed the honourable women of Berea, and leaders of your own nationality just about everywhere!  Certainly relationship is at the heart of the Christian message.  It seems to be something you lack terribly.  Perhaps some psychological counselling is in order to determine the root of the bitterness you express so often.

Regarding your part time work, we must question the validity of a ministry that by its own admission is only being supported by one church, that at Philippi.  The necessity you have for part time work seems to fuel the argument that much of your service to the Lord is quite unacceptable.

As to your jail record, we understand the hazards of our work, but after the stay in Philippi's jail, and two years' imprisonment at Caesarea, could you not have walked in a bit more wisdom and avoided the Roman incarceration?  "Wise as serpents" is the motto, you know.  Have you walked in such wisdom?  Was the aggravating of the mob (so the report goes) all that necessary?

It is said that while you were serving time at Rome, "all forsook you".  The pattern of disfunctional relationship continues.  Three fine brothers, Diotrephes, Demas and a coppersmith named Alexander have all written us to the effect that it seems impossible to establish co-operation with you.  We know also of your bitter quarrel with Barnabas!

We hear reports also of sensationalism.  It is claimed that often the miracles that surround your ministry overshadow your preaching, which, many say, is rather weak.  In one of your letters you even boast in this weakness and glory in what you call the "power of God".  It is said you are given to fantasies and dreams.  You allegedly saw "a man of Macedonia", you were "caught up into the third heaven" and you even claimed "the Lord stood by" you.  We suggest you tone down the spectacular and just read and preach the Book.

We are appalled at your obvious lack of conciliatory behaviour.  Diplomatic men are not stoned and dragged out of the city gate, or assaulted by mobs.  Have you ever suspected that gentler words might gain you more friends?  I enclose a copy of Dalius Carnegus' book "How to Win Jews and Influence Greeks".

We have perused some of the letters you've written to churches where you preached awhile.  In one you accuse a church member of gross immorality, and in your absence the church actually expels that dear brother!

Speaking of "your absence", you seem to have a very "flighty" ministry.  First Asia Minor, then Macedonia, then Greece, then Italy, and now you talk of a trip to far-off Spain.  Is all this running around so necessary?  Jesus never left Palestine!  Do you have a feeling that "the whole show" depends on you?

Perhaps we are being picky here, but it would seem that some homiletical training would be in order before we can send you back to the field.  We hear of rambling sermons that last far into the night.  One was even responsible, we are told, for the serious injury of one of the brothers!  Lawsuits come from actions such as these!  By the way, have you even considered legal, or even medical insurance?  Faith is a good thing, but the Lord calls us to be practical, after all.  Anyway, with regards to your preaching: intro, three points; conclusion, all in 20-30 minutes; keeps the crowds coming back and vaguely content that they've done the right thing coming to your church.

We know you wish to serve the Lord, and we encourage same.  But because of the above problems, we'd rather you serve him somewhere else.

Sincerely,
 
 

The Bored.